My ego died a little more today
A while ago I wrote a post about facing the dark creative void, which was received with slightly mixed reviews.
A few people noted (or responded privately) that for them creativity is about light and love and joyful expansion, not darkness, not ever. Many other people connected with what I was talked about.
I certainly can and do connect with the beauty of creativity at the high points along the creative path.
But there are also days when venturing into creativity feels like a terrifying journey through a dark forest laden with the most horrifying monsters I can image.
It’s no wonder why scrubbing the toilet can suddenly seem alarmingly important.
As I’ve been working on my current script I’ve been aware of a background conversation that runs something like this:
- What if it’s too dark?
- What if no one likes it and it’s too depressing?
- What will people think of me as a mother if I write this? (It’s a sci fi story about a mother.)
- What if they hate it?
- What if the ending is too bleak and horrible?
- What if it is too powerful emotionally and people judge me for it?
And today I noticed that all these questions have to do with my ego.
It’s my ego that cares what other people think.
But my spirit doesn’t.
My spirit says, This is a powerful, painful question you’ve been given to explore and to answer for this character. So don’t shy away from it, don’t hold back. This is a gift you’ve been given and you are giving, the power to explore this darkness. Don’t be afraid.
My ego died a little more today so that my story might live.